Posted on December 29, 2018

About a year ago, as 2017 started winding down, I found myself thinking that my life was feeling just a little bit stagnant in a few ways. The last couple of years had been pretty uneventful and consistent, which always seems like a really good thing until it goes on that way for just a bit too long and starts to feel more like being stuck in a rut than moving smoothly along. So I told myself that 2018 would be a year of change – by which I mostly meant growth and learning, where and when I wanted it – and I made a handful of goals that neatly corralled the change into very specific areas of life.

And then I tumbled into 2018. I think this is the point where I’m supposed to write something to neatly wrap up the past twelve months; label it a good year or a bad year and then close it up and move onto 2019, resolutions at the ready and a new list of goals in hand. But really, this has been such an odd, uneven, sharp-edged, terrifying, exhilarating, fast-moving kind of year that it’s felt a bit like pitching forward into a whirlpool, head-first, and not being able to come up for air when I want to. It’s been a good year. And a bad year. And every single thing in between.

This was the year of airports and overseas work trips and jet-lag like a loose wire somewhere deep inside my brain. It was a year that started off in a long-term relationship that had come to the end of its road, and it was a year that showed me how, actually, being single in my thirties is really quite wonderful. This was the year that cemented the importance of surrounding myself with good friends while underlining the need for “introvert time” to rest and recharge; the year that I learned (am still learning) that I don’t need to give time and space and energy to people or activities that don’t add value to my life in some way. This was a year when things went awry and then (sometimes) turned out better than expected, and it was a year that showed me that yes, the things I fear sometimes do actually happen – and life keeps moving forward.

So 2018 was many things at many different moments, but it was not by any accounts a stagnant year. If 2017 had me wanting to shake things up a bit, 2018 made me wish more than a few times for just a touch more calm and stability. That’s always the way it goes though, isn’t it – feeling like nothing much at all is happening until something comes unstuck and all sorts of things start happening, one after another. The ball starts rolling, and there’s not much that can be done to stop it until it runs out of momentum again.

I’m not quite sure what to expect from 2019. I wouldn’t mind a slightly calmer year, but I have a feeling there’s still a lot of momentum left to keep pushing me forward. I think I’ll be glad to leave 2018 behind, even though it had its fair share of highs to balance out the low moments and keep it from tipping over into the “bad year” category. I’m just a bit hesitant to set firm goals for this year – not because there aren’t things I want to accomplish, but because as much as I know that it’s not the case, it feels a tiny bit like 2018 was saying “oh, you wanted change, did you? Well here you go” to me, dumping everything onto my lap at once. Life can have an odd sense of humour sometimes.

So… 2019. I don’t know what it’s going to bring, but I guess I’m about to find out. And I have a feeling that whatever it has in store for me, it’s not going to be boring. Let’s do this.

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